What do you want to do for a living?

July 1st, 2018

I have been asked this question when I was 14. As if at the age of 14 we don’t have enough other problems and insecurities to deal with! If anything, it made me panic. My mind went completely blank and it suddenly seemed that nothing was exciting enough to make a career out of it. I was feeling cornered, lost and helpless.

Some of my schoolmates wanted to play it cool – they would take a profession that was considered prestigious and say that it was their career choice. And there were a few who sort of had no choice – they grew up in a family where every male or female had the same job, and they were conditioned since their birth to follow the familiar path.

It took me two more years to find at least one activity that I really liked. It was music. I dove into it completely and by the time I turned 17, I wrote a bunch of songs and even recorded two of them in a recording studio (that was one of the most stunning experiences in my life. It still feels like pure magic ;-)  )

My decision was made – I wanted to be a singer-songwriter, and I felt happy.

But apparently some people are there to nag others and knock them down.  Depending on who this particular person is, it affects you very little or a lot.

The first person to not believe in my dream was from my family. Normally, family members have much more influence on us than others – they know us so much better to be able to “push the right buttons” and get us do what they think is better for us. Well, maybe because at that time I was a teenager, it only made me work harder – to prove them they were wrong.

However, some years later, when I had seven songs recorded, I met someone whose music I liked very much. To me, this person was a genius, an example to follow, and their opinion was super important.  However, when I asked them what they thought of my songs, the answer was “Honestly, I don’t even remember what they sound like. Sorry!”

That was a prohibited blow. I took it quite well, at first. I managed to hide my disappointment and to pretend that nothing happened. But days went by and I wasn’t even playing piano anymore. I don’t even remember exactly how it happened, but I ended up putting all my notebooks and music sheets away from sight for several long years.

But can we really forget what we love? I figured that no. You can put it away for some time, take a break, do something else… but at the end it will always resurface, it will always come back with a renewed force, sweeping you off your feet a like a wildfire. It becomes a pain, an insatiable urge, unless you surrender to it again and accept this part of you.

My other passion – writing, turned me back to music. It took me some time and it wasn’t easy, but finally here I am.

May be my songs aren’t perfect, may be they are not the best in the world, but they are MINE. They are a part of me, of who I was when I wrote them and of who I am now. At some point of my life I have created them and I did it with love.

If you are curious, you can listen to some of them here:

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Categories: Miscellaneous